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  Contents  
 
Footskating Is Not A Crime!.................................1
Play On Playa...............................................2
I'm Your Biggest Fan!.......................................3
Now Is The Winter Of Our Chubby Ass.........................4
The Box Office Never Rests..................................5
When In Spain, My Wife Stays Mainly On The Plane............6
America's Unfunniest Home Videos............................7
Come On You Celebrity Fans..................................8
South Africa Attacks!.......................................9
Extreme Health Spa!.........................................10
Vin Diesel In A Dress.......................................11
No Ray Guns In 2091.........................................12
Carpe Diem To The Extreme...................................13
Life: The Dangerous Years...................................14
Every Day Should Be A Holiday...............................15
More Piranha In The Pool....................................16
No Rest For The Wicked Cool.................................17
Mother's Gonna Teach You A Lesson...........................18
Burnt Out On Holiday........................................19
Watching TV Is Hard.........................................20
What's Up With Genetic Mutation?............................21
Vote Crazy Monkey!..........................................22
Solid Gold!.................................................23
Chuck Norris fact for the New Year..........................24
Weekday Musings.............................................25
Webbing - as well...........................................26
CGI.........................................................27
Gambling....................................................28
Karoo.......................................................29
Birds.......................................................30
Door to Door................................................31
Atten-hut!..................................................32
Go Speedracer...............................................33
Cos I'm too darn technical..................................34
If I Can Just Make It To The................................35
Nature's Highway............................................36
Show Me Your Motion.........................................37
Next time, turn it off at the wall..........................38
Don't Click This... There's Nothing To See Here.............39
False Advertising...........................................40
Reams of correspondence.....................................41
Tom versus Jean Claude......................................42
And the Tigon 'Businessman of the Year 2005' goes to........43
Duck, it's Chuck!...........................................44
Techsmart Interview.........................................45
Hey Pete, I know you're reading this........................46
Lakeside, Eastside..........................................47
Reams of correspondence 2...................................48
Musical Chairs..............................................49
Idols... again..............................................50
Celebrity Idol recount?.....................................51
The Hellphones - this Sunday - the 16th Oct.................52
Yes, Vote for Crazy Monkey!.................................53
Cats/Theft..................................................54
Throwing down the scientific gauntlet.......................55
Sarcastic Ranger............................................56
Some people are checking up on this.........................57
Tranqs......................................................58
Outdshoorn..................................................59
Forewarned = Forearmed......................................60
Careful Paul, careful.......................................61
London reminder.............................................62
2007 is going to rule, but for now, focus on 2006...........63
Sin Vity vs. Vanity Fair - the debate continues.............64
It seems that lots of good things come from Texas...........65
The upside of pollution.....................................66
Brett / Cape Town Memorial..................................67
Footskoolin'................................................68

- ~ -

 
  Footskating Is Not A Crime!  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/02/12
A lot of people sent us questions about how to hook up with cool girls. And that's an easy question to answer. But we'd rather tell you about Footskating, a revolutionary new sport we invented.

Footskating Factfile:

Footskating is like skateboarding without the hassle of carrying a board.

Often harder than skateboarding because you don't have the convenience of a board and wheels to glide you down a ramp or pavement.

Many skateboarding and snowboarding purists never go back to their old sports after trying Footskating.

Footskating may become the newest sport at the 2004 Olympic Games if the Olympic Committee accept our suggestion.

Let's start with an easy trick to learn:

The Windmill of Dreams.

The equivalent of a Manual in skateboarding, or a Pogo in BMXing.

Grab your foot, extend your leg forward and spin around like you're a stylish windmill. Try and get low to the ground for maximum cool effect.

If you can't impress a girl with this move, then she's not a real girl.

Straight up Sickness!

 

- Page 1 -

 
  Play On Playa (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/03/10
South African sportsmen get paid a lot. They're also adored by millions of fans. So why then are they playing so badly?

We've analysed the situation and it's quite simple really: They're concentrating too hard on being players and not hard enough on being playas.

Bottom line, sport is about entertainment and our guys are just not flashy enough.

Italian soccer stars drive Lamborghinis with built-in espresso machines. NBA star Dennis Rodman flies to parties in a helicopter made of gold... Wearing nothing but matching granny panties and a confident smile.

Our players, on the other hand, might dare to wear an earring that they've had since matric. It's just not cricket.

Besides making players more expressive on the sports field, showing a little bling bling also sends out a positive message to the kids. It says, remember to look good, drive a Bentley and support the gold industry that this country was founded on.

Here are some tips we think will make our players better:

Lance Klusener: Should walk onto the field with a diamond encrusted walking stick and a top hat. Bikini models should then carry him to the wicket.

Springboks: Get green and gold teeth implanted and learn to rap the anthem.

Herschelle Gibbs: Stop smoking dagga. It's not a glamorous drug.

Wayne Ferreira: Wear make-up and start winning tournaments.

All the Australasian teams are currently sporting Lord Of The Rings style hairdos, side-burns and attitudes. South Africa could do so much better.

 

- Page 2 -

 
  I'm Your Biggest Fan! (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/03/19
We always welcome celebrities into our homes through the miracle of television. But how do you get celebs to invite you into their homes? Simple. All it takes is some patience, your own car and a schedule of the star's daily routine.

Now a lot of people might refer to this as 'stalking', but they're just being technical. We prefer calling it 'being friendly'.

Here's an example of how we befriended Barry Ronge:

Step One:

We hung out in his local supermarket.


Step Two:

We pretended to price olives next to him, then casually asked how the wife and kids were.


Step Three:

We engaged his interest in film trivia, asking him who would win in a fight between The Last Samurai, The Last of the Mohicans, The Last Boyscout, or The Last Emperor. He of course got it right, the Last Emperor wouldn't have to fight, but could use his army to destroy all the others.


Step Four:

Without raising suspicion, we followed him home in our Ford Telstar.

Step Five:

While he was closing his gate, we pretended to be jogging past and said, "What a coincidence that we just met you and now we're jogging past your house... Can we borrow some sugar?"


Step Six:

We shared a Schweppes granadilla and a smile in his kitchen.


Even though Mr. Ronge has recently secured a restraining order against us, we'll never forget the laughs we shared with him in his nicely decorated house. Fan-tastic!

 

- Page 3 -

 
  Now Is The Winter Of Our Chubby Ass (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/03/26
Summer is always hyped as a time to get into shape. But poor old winter gets totally dissed. So we've decided to promote the cold season... as a time to lie on the couch and eat biscuits.

In summer, everyone's desperate to look good in their favourite bikini or red Speedo. They even resort to having Extreme Makeovers on TV. Having fat sucked out of your butt and stuck in your chest is just a little, er, extreme. Fortunately in winter, there's a cheaper and less painful to look good: By buying a big jacket to hide your body.

Who cares what people say? You pick up weight to fend off the cold; it's nature's way. No one ever called a polar bear fat. Well, there was this one guy, but he was mentally ill and was soon decapitated by the confused bear.

And talking of bears, we heard the latest trend amongst hungry celebs is to hide out during winter while they feed their photogenic faces. People like Oprah, Alec Baldwin and John Travolta supposedly own a timeshare cabin in the woods where they go to eat nothing but fudge and hot dogs. Hollywood Hibernation they call it.

Don't get us wrong, we're not suggesting you stop going to gym. On the contrary, most gyms have those trendy juice bars where you can hang out and watch satellite TV. They're usually showing the Go-Cart World Championships, or around-the-world-yachting, but if you make friends with the well-honed staff, they might change over to something interesting. Like the cooking channel.

This winter, stay indoors with your favourite people. Share fascinating stories and pieces of cake. And if you're too bloated to come out in summer, then thumb your nose at those lame weight-loss adverts and stay indoors over summer too. Tasty.


 

- Page 4 -

 
  The Box Office Never Rests (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/04/02
First there was the Old Testament. And it was good. Which is why they published a sequel, the New Testament. Then Mel Gibson used bits of this popular book to make his film, The Passion Of The Christ. And apparently it's also kind of good. So we figured we'd be damned if we weren't going to see it.

Unfortunately the show was sold out. For the next forty days and forty nights, according to the manager. It may have been a Sunday, but the box office refused to rest.

We then concluded that if gritty, subtitled films are the future of cinema, it wouldn't hurt to watch something similar.

And we were wrong.

Here is our review of an independent film called La Monyella, a long, erotic psycho-drama. We think. It may have been Spanish.

Five Minutes In:

The titles were still onscreen. They were really fancy, but not very interesting.

Fifteen Minutes In:

A married couple argued at a kitchen table. They'd been shouting since the fancy titles stopped showing.

Forty Minutes In:

The man urinated on his mistress's pillows and cat. It was meant to be symbolic for something.

One Hundred And Fifty Minutes In:

We woke up to more fancy titles. Fortunately these ones were at the end.

If there's one thing film makers can learn from art films, it's that no one needs subtitles to understand a solid car chase and gun battle. Class dismissed.

 

- Page 5 -

 
  When In Spain, My Wife Stays Mainly On The Plane (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/04/30
We've always been die-hard Manchester United fans. So when Becks went to Real Madrid, we considered supporting them. But wearing a white football jersey just makes you look fat. Fortunately Chelsea got all those cool new players, so we backed them until they got beaten by Bolton. Now we support those wicked magpies, Arsenal. The point is, we're huge David Beckham fans.

Which is why it came as a total surprise when we received an accidental sexy text from the man himself. Or so we thought.

The text read, "Hullo Luvr. You and I shood get together for sum more of that Ooh la la my my when olde Vic's away. Deep saucy thoughts and stuff. Dave."

We didn't want to believe it, but there was plenty of evidence that it was Becks. Firstly, he may be English, but that doesn't mean he can write the language. After all, he studied soccer at school. Secondly, we really wanted to believe it. We replied, eager to meet somewhere in South Africa.

The rendezvous was set for the Fishmonger in Fourways. We weren't sure if he was in the country, but we figured that if he was, he'd be staying in a posh place like Fourways.

Next came the dilemma: If he showed up for an affair, which one of us would do it?

We decided that we'd all have a go. After all, the man is a very wealthy legend.

On arrival, we made a shocking discovery. We'd been scammed by our friend, Fat Stan. He did it to get his name in our newspaper column. We assured Fat Stan that this would never happen.

Next week's probing question: If Posh Spice suddenly became talented and charming, could she save her career?"


 

- Page 6 -

 
  America's Unfunniest Home Videos (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/05/07
We all saw the recent photos of American soldiers mistreating and humiliating imprisoned Iraqi soldiers. Unfortunately for America, the entire Arab world also saw the pics. Remember those Charles Bronson films when Mr. Death Wish came home and found his family murdered by loutish villains? Remember that look he got in his eyes just before fetching his huge gun? I'm thinking a few citizens in the Middle East recently adopted that same facial expression.

Nevertheless, the whole of America can't be tainted by the work of a few untrained high school dropouts with a taste for road kill and small town incest. Or can it? We've compiled a list of pros and cons to decide what the world should think about the US of A.

Pro:

They saved Afghanistan from the scary communists.

Con:

They blew up Afghanistan twenty years later.

Con:

Voted for a badly acted, two-dimensional baddie to be their president.

Pro:

Voted for saxophone playing Bill Clinton, whose antics re-popularized Jazz and oral sex.

Pro:

Pioneered 24-hour TV viewing.

Con:

Pioneered 24-hour home-shopping commercials.

Con:

Invented the pump action shotgun and the nuclear bomb.

Pro:

Invented Häagen-Dazs, the swivel chair and rollerblades.

Pro:

Started McDonalds in 1955

Con:

Only let us have some in 1995.

Con:

Invaded Vietnam for silly reasons.

Pro:

Made some kick-ass action films about Vietnam.

Pro:

Gave us The Sopranos and The Simpsons.

Con:

Gave us Full House and Touched By An Angel.

Pro:

Gave us Michael Jackson.

Con:

Gave us Michael Jackson.

It seems there's no clear point of view on America. We'll continue to look for a definitive answer, but in the meantime we're going for a burger and a skinny frappucino at the bowling alley.

 

- Page 7 -

 
  Come On You Celebrity Fans (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/05/12
So much happened in the world this past week: J-Lo found her one true love for the eleventh time and a Danish fishing boat accidentally caught a German submarine.

Closer to home, South Africans have been holding their breath over hosting the 2010 Soccer World Cup. It's supposedly quite important because it will bring in billions of Rands. We think everyone's overlooking the most important reason: That famous celebs like Robbie Williams and Russell Crowe can come and hang out in places like Ellis Park.

For this reason, the Crazy Monkey Crew decided to work out SA's chances against Morocco.

Morocco has natural resources like phosphates and fish.

South Africa easily beats these lame natural resources with diamonds and gold.

SA has eleven official languages.

Morocco can only manage about three.

Morocco claim to have the tomb of John the Baptist, but SA has the highest building in Africa.

Both countries have malaria and drought, but Morocco has the added danger of earthquakes.

Moroccan troops beat the Germans at Monte Cassino. South Africans have also won big at Montecasino.

Morocco has one capital city. SA rule with three capital cities and nearly ten million more citizens.

They have a king, but we have an Oscar winner and a civilian that went into space.

Our president has more frequent flyer miles than their king.

There you have it, a quick lesson about two African countries, as well as a clear indication why our country should get the tournament. Let's hope that Fifa make the right decision. Soccer can be an unpredictable game.


 

- Page 8 -

 
  South Africa Attacks! (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/05/22
If Africa is worthy to host the Soccer World Cup, then why are we not good enough for alien visitation? The Crazy Monkey crew explored.

A recent UFO sighting in Mexico has been explained through the magic of science. The glowing balls seen under the wings of a plane were said to be lighting balls, caused by friction. Comedians explained it by saying that it was a mail plane, because you could see the little balls underneath. Nevertheless, we're tired of hearing about these events happening overseas, and not here.

After countless minutes spent scouring the Internet, we found that most alien sightings and visitations took place in the USA. (Belgium reported that they'd had a few, but this sounds more like a desperate attempt to get attention.)

For some reason, aliens like the Arizona desert. We ask, what is wrong with our deserts? Places like the Kalahari have a stark beauty with the added bonus of unique wildlife, like Gemsbok. And let's not get started about the wonderful world that lives below the surface, hidden from the naked eye.

We think it's time aliens got out of their comfort zones and visited somewhere exotic. They're like people who only ever go on holiday to Umhlanga. Don't get us wrong, Umhlanga rocks, but there are only so many times you can visit the Gateway mall.

If aliens made the effort to visit and decided to probe us anally, they would find that we're just as interesting as Americans. In fact, if they stopped probing and just asked us what they wanted to know, we'd tell them. Africa has many interesting stories, passed on through an oral, not anal tradition.

Aliens may possess superior intelligence and have the ability to travel at light speed, but that doesn't mean they're incapable of discrimination.

P.S. If aliens do choose to visit: Please could you make it in the early evening, so we don't miss shows like CSI Miami and Top Billing.

 

- Page 9 -

 
  Extreme Health Spa! (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/06/04
A stressed-out Crazy Monkey decided to relax at a nearby health hydro. The experience changed their lives.

This week we were going to discuss how the government institutes laws and the importance of paying tax. However, because no one really cares about lame stuff, we went to chill out at a day spa in Roodepoort.

The setting was tranquil. Lush mountainside cradled a small building that smelled like firecrackers. The twittering of local birds could be heard in some nearby bushes. Until a cacophony of shotguns drowned them out.

A burly man named Koos limped over and showed us to our room. We asked to be woken at nine with a fresh fruit platter. Koos was not happy about the request.

Little did we know that this was not a traditional spa. If we wanted pampering, we should have gone to Sandton. This was the West Rand, and they had a different type of de-stress program.

We were woken with a bucket of ice to the face and a breakfast of whatever small wildlife we could shoot. Thai Chi class turned out to be hand-to-hand combat, where we learned that any sharp object has the potential to maim.

Later we received a facial mudpack... While we slept outside in the rain.

The next morning things were more relaxed. We shared some sort of alcoholic initiation drink with the rest of the spa members, mostly ex-mercenaries and welders.

That afternoon we were taken to a nearby bar and encouraged to practice the most sacred principle of urban combat: To attack before being provoked. This ensures the element of surprise.

The weekend taught us a lot about ourselves, as well as about assembling machine-guns whilst blindfolded. We also made some lifelong friends and will re-unite soon when the health spa flies us (free of charge) to an undisclosed location in Liberia. Totally exotic.


 

- Page 10 -

 
  Vin Diesel In A Dress (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/06/10
Crazy Monkey decided to locate the most extreme corner of the West Rand... Past Westonaria even. That's where they found it, the westest place ever.

It was protected by a security boom and a guard who reprimanded us for not having mullets. We promised to grow moustaches, so he waved us through. Seconds later, we found the town's entertainment centre - the main road.

Cars of all shapes and noises wheel-spun and hooted. It looked like 'The Fast and the Furious' without a budget, but with lots of fynbos schnapps.

After reprimanding us for not having a shiny, half-buttoned shirt, the local butcher informed us that the town was gearing up for their annual street race to raise money for the traffic department.

The butcher showed us his car, affectionately named 'Scorched Earth Policy'. It was modified to run on nothing but brandy, and judging from his breath, so was the butcher. He unveiled his crowning glory, a hood ornament in the shape of Patricia Lewis. Onlookers gasped at the way it sparkled like her career.

The town racers were a tough bunch indeed. The only way Vin Diesel would've been accepted here was as one of the racer's girlfriends, who actually looked a lot like Vin in a dress.

The heats began. A guy named Lumpies drove over his fiancée at the start, but didn't stop to see if she was okay until he'd finished the race. She was fine, and even gave him a beating for finishing second.

Many people believe that Gauteng taxi drivers will produce a Formula One champion, but they're wrong. Yes the taxi drivers know speed, but they'd always be stopping on dangerous parts of the track to offer race officials lifts.

The next Grand Prix champion will come from the West. You can almost hear the starting line-up: Schumacher, Montoya, Delarey "Lumpies" van Vuuren... First place!


 

- Page 11 -

 
  No Ray Guns In 2091 (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/06/23
Following up on last week's hugely popular look into the future, Crazy Monkey pool their scientific thinking to figure out more trends that will emerge in the next hundred years.

Fries With Your Dog:

Fast food for pets will be huge. It'll be less nutritious, but shiny chew toys will be offered with each meal. Adverts will convince owners that their pets will love them if they buy treats, therefore making the lives of owners more complete. Also, less pets are likely to run away from home - as they'd be too fat to do so.

Shake On It:

The high-five will replace the handshake. It already has in some parts of the world. And because everyone has a unique high-five, hand-shaped receptor scanners will be used to verify people's greetings when entering high security buildings. The high-five will then replace signatures on cheques.

Baby Talk:

Subliminal advertising to foetuses means that newborn babies will leave the womb craving fizzy drinks and cappuccinos - or Babyccinos as they'd be called.

Family Entertainment:

Every family will star in their own reality-based TV show. At night, each family will sit down and see what they all got up to during the day. No one will watch anything but their own show because no one's interested in other people. Unless they're really good looking.

Illegal Aliens:

Harmless aliens will come to earth looking for a warm meal. They will unintentionally create world peace because, if anything unites human beings, it's ganging up on someone new. Black, white, Indian and Haitian will join together as brothers to destroy the creatures. And because the aliens will be so gentle, humans won't need expensive weapons to kill them. Just sharp sticks. Humans love war. But a war that comes in under budget is even sweeter.

 

- Page 12 -

 
  Carpe Diem To The Extreme (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/06/24
So school's almost finished forever. What to do? Crazy Monkey apply what they've learnt at the university of hard knocks and pass on their priceless information to the next generation of school leavers. Free of charge.

The future's approaching at speed, but don't worry, there are many routes to take after leaving school. Here are a few options:

University:

Here you'll meet a lot of like-minded people who've come together to roam the hallowed halls and play touch rugby in the sun.

Technikon:

See University. Except the halls aren't as hallowed.

Overseas:

Military service has been replaced with having to go to London and becoming a bartender in Earl's Court. This often results in the need to come home and dance atop the free, open-space of the Drakensberg mountains.

Buying a House

Wait for the property market to cool down. And then wait for your parents to move out and leave you their place. If they're not leaving, then lock yourself in your room.

Recreation:

With free time available, it would be wrong to spend your days devoted to a Playstation console. Remember to check out what the GameCube and Xbox have to offer.

Sleep:

This is an effective way to avoid rushing into a decision. Sleep's also the cheapest way to relax and offers you a way to steer clear of having to make conversation at lame parties.

Employment:

Once you enter the job market, you'll find that many people only get a job so that they can complain about it. Still, it's important to be able to afford necessities like food and a two thousand Rand pair of running shoes.

The bottom line is: It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you have a mad cool time doing it. Seize the day!

 

- Page 13 -

 
  Life: The Dangerous Years (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/07/26
Life is short. But you should never laugh at its height. It can often react childishly and with spite.

Crazy Monkey know about life, we've been there, done that, got the t-shirt, returned the t-shirt because it was too small, had the same t-shirt sent back to us as there weren't bigger sizes, stretched the t-shirt until it sort of fitted, which didn't matter because it shrunk in the wash and eventually fell apart. The point is, we've got some good advice on how to survive on this planet.

Life is like an angry shark: It's beautiful, terrifying and it never sleeps. For this reason, always be alert. Especially in the ocean.

Some people think that life should be like an episode of 'The Bold And The Beautiful'. They're wrong. Yes, having good hair is important, but you shouldn't spend your days locked in a room, pouting dramatically at everyone who enters. You need to get out and appreciate the open spaces, before someone builds townhouses all over them.

Which brings us to an important word: perseverance. Just because it's French-sounding, doesn't mean you should ignore it. It's what you'll need in your survival pack.

Take maths for example. No one likes maths. Not even maths professors (or mathematicians as they're known to their maths friends.) They show a lot of perseverance. They take maths in their stride and don't let it get them down. And then they conquer it. You should do the same.

Some say if you make it through life with all your fingers, you have succeeded. Fair enough. But if we've learned anything from Chuck Norris, it's that even if you lose your trigger finger, you can learn to throw hand grenades.

Go out there and do something. Rebuild a rainforest. Bakes some scones. Or at least learn to play tennis. Go and do it... And make it sting.


 

- Page 14 -

 
  Every Day Should Be A Holiday (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/08/10
Crazy Monkey spent their long weekend hanging out on the pavement, listening to high school singing at King David, perfecting Playstation golf and driving around Benoni. The point is, even though we don't really have jobs right now, and every day is like a holiday to us, it doesn't stop us from thinking about new public holidays for the rest of the country.

We heard that Christmas might be been cancelled. Santa's not complaining, he's tired of being shot at when flying over Hillbrow. And Christmas was getting a little stale anyway; how many times can you hear Jingle Bells in the mall? There's a limit, and it's been reached.

Here are some alternative public holiday ideas. We hope that the government is listening.

Barry Ronge Day:

Ever since Barry got a restraining order against us, we've missed hanging out with him. Sure it's a little self-serving, but we'd like the country to take the day off to watch Bazza cruise around with a camera crew beaming his day to our TVs. We could watch movies with him, go flea market shopping and check if he gets road rage, etc.

Hijacking Day:

On this day, the country will stay off the streets while car thieves hijack each other. They will then take their stolen goods to a huge chop shop in the Kruger National Park where they will be eliminated by lions and wildebeest. This will be quite a difficult holiday to coordinate, and will also be shown on TV.

National Sports Day:

Whenever there's an important sports event of any kind, there will be paid leave. The same will go for any cool new movie starting on Friday. Which would make that day 'National New Release Day'. And no one likes getting up on Monday morning, so half the day will be a holiday, making it 'National Get To Work At Lunchtime On Monday Day'.

Day of the Monkey:

This will be a much-loved holiday, where people with extreme lifestyles can bust mad sickness at their leisure. It will obviously also be celebrated internationally. Enjoy.


 

- Page 15 -

 
  More Piranha In The Pool  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/08/14
The Crazy Monkey crew heard that South Africa was bunking work to watch the Olympics. We joined them in witnessing the spectacle of Athens 2004. And from what we've seen, sport can use a shot in the arm (so to speak). Here are a few ways we think that spectator sports can be taken to their more marketable extremes:

Golf:

Beautiful scenery, breathtaking shots... But no real danger to the player. Therefore, we think that stun mines should be randomly scattered around the course. No permanent damage would be caused, but if a golfer accidentally stood on a mine, he'd have no feeling in his foot for a few holes. Let's see someone make a long, tricky bunker shot on one leg. You da man!

Sprinting:

Also in need of more danger. We've all seen muscled athletes tearing down the track, but never with rabid alsations behind them. Chiseled torsos, drooling fangs, top-notch entertainment.

Tennis:

How about having to play naked? Then lets see the crowd gasp at a diving volley. Just watch where you get those friction burns.

Archery:

Make it more paintball style. Competitors have to chase each other around and shoot arrows into padded targets on fellow competitors backs.

High Jump:

Who hasn't dreamed of jumping over a high pole? But if the landing mat was some sort of huge waterbed, and if the falling pole triggered the mat to open and engulf the failed jumper in water and electric eels... Man, that would be a thing to see.

We realise that a lot of our cool new sports ideas involve dangerous animals and pain, but what better way to boost the ratings and give viewers something fresh to cheer for? Cheers.

 

- Page 16 -

 
  No Rest For The Wicked Cool (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/08/25
Inspired by live satellite feeds, the Crazy Monkey crew decided that they wanted to break a world record. But which one? So many to choose from.

We were stoked to find that we're only about five seconds off the hundred metre world record, but that would take hard work and time to beat. Luxuries we didn't have.

We needed something that we could shave a hundredth of a second off, or maybe even some record that involved shaving off all your body hair. Then, after staying in a hotel next to the highway, we realised what we were really good at: being deprived of sleep.

Turning to the all-knowing Internet, we discovered that the longest anyone had stayed awake for was seventy-eight hours, set by some Canadian. No problem we thought. We'd watched all the Lord of the Rings back to back, so this would be a walk in a Mordor park.

Here's how it unfolded:

Hour One:

We retired to the lounge. Outside, a cold Smog howled. Smog is our dog. He's always looking for attention.

Hour One and a Half:

An argument broke out about what to watch. MacGyver was on the Series channel, but there was also a documentary on male baboons. Unfortunately we couldn't find the remote, so we were forced to watch the news. Which really tested our staying awake abilities.

Hour Six:

Fatigue was showing. They're supposed to be the hottest new R&B band around, but we didn't care. Sleep was forcing its way into our eyes. We knew we had to push through to make the record... And we're pretty sure we did. It almost felt like we blacked out for a while (which we didn't) leaving us in a state of exhaustion that can only be described as 'dreamlike'. But then we snapped out of it, just in time for morning.

We may not have achieved our goal, but it's not about winning or losing, it's about looking good and being humble doing it. Classick!


 

- Page 17 -

 
  Mother's Gonna Teach You A Lesson (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/09/20
After watching hurricanes Ivan and Frances on the telly, the Crazy Monkey crew ask two eternal questions, "Can nature be trusted?" and "Who'd win in a no-holds blowout between the two hurricanes?"

Robert Frost mused, "We ran as if to meet the moon
That slowly dawned behind the trees,
The barren boughs without the leaves,
Without the birds, without the breeze."

And then Robert Plant sang,
"Hear the whisper in the trees,
Telling mother nature bout you and me."

Not only did these guys share first names and a love of nature, they also went so far as having environmentally-themed surnames.

But is nature just there to be admired and called "pretty"?

You only have to go to the movies to know how powerful nature is. It has produced some of the biggest disaster movies to date. We're not talking movies that were disasters (like Catwoman), we're talking about world gone mad-boiling magma-mutated anacondas disaster.

Who can forget the parable of the man who wanted to build Atlantis, but the ocean currents kept knocking down his Tuscan-esque townhouses - forcing him to relocate to Fourways. Okay, so it's not a well-known parable, but the lesson is clear: You can't beat nature in the long run.

Our man Rob Frost said, "Nature does not complete things. She is chaotic. Man must finish, and he does so by making a garden and building a wall."

But if you think you're bigger than nature, don't ever plan to relax. You have to maintain that garden and stop the sun peeling paint from the wall. Otherwise it becomes unsightly and brings down the value of the area. Not that you need more money. If you stand still long enough, nature will overpower you. And that's just happy-go-lucky nature; we're not even getting into the heavy stuff.

So enjoy nature, picnic in it and respect it ... Just don't turn your back on it.

Oh, and as for the showdown between Ivan and Frances, our money's on the Russian.

 

- Page 18 -

 
  Burnt Out On Holiday (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/09/29
Crazy Monkey decided to have one more crack at fixing the unsteady relationship between man and nature. We headed to a mountain retreat in the Magaliesburg to face the situation head-on.

"There's a scorpion in my shirt!" shouted one of the crew, trying to be as nonchalant as you can be with a scorpion in your shirt. Stripping himself to the waist in record time, we realized that it was just a baby cricket. Nonetheless, crickets have strong insect hands that could leave a fair scratch. We couldn't be careless whilst in the grips of nature.

When booking our holiday, we immediately thought of mudpacks and pedicures in a picturesque setting. However, due to budget constraints we only managed a cottage with a braai area. Being extreme, we decided to stay in the most outlying cottage. As you know, there is a high price to pay for seclusion. Namely, a bigger chance of attack from escaped madmen and killer hyena.

That evening we soaked up the tranquil shrieking of baboons and mating birds. We turned up the radio to drown out the peacefulness. That's when we smelled it... Not the backed-up septic tank, but a roaring veld fire.

The blaze rolled up to us with the hostility of Gary Oldman playing the devil; its flames lapping at our verandah like a fat sheepdog finishing the cat's milk. The last of our bottled water did little to stop the beast. Not even a beating with the cottage's curtains quelled nature's relentless rage. We were left with no option but to flee to the pool for a skinny dip.

The following morning we surveyed the sooty black terrain. A ceasefire between man and nature had been called. As with the unspoken truce between America and the Soviet Union - we respected one another - but we will always be on guard.

 

- Page 19 -

 
  Watching TV Is Hard (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/10/20
Not since the Vietnam conflict has this world faced a bigger dilemma. In the seventies, the choice was to either support communism, or America. Nowadays the battle lines are drawn between the SABC3 and MNet. And it's passive viewers who've become innocent casualties.

Let's face it, between news updates, Judge Judy and dated kickboxing movies, you can't always find the greatest selection of distraction on the box.

So why should 'The Apprentice' have to take on 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' at the same time? It makes no sense. Sure, nighttime choices have been tough before: We've spent hours torn between African Wrestling Federation and the Gilmore Girls, or Walker, Texas Ranger and that classic infomercial where Penny Smythe talks to a vacuum cleaner. But why should we be forced to choose between a pouting billionaire and five gay men? (In a TV watching sense that is.) We face a tricky scheduling tightrope, and that's without the added danger of our mom wanting to watch Hallmark at the same time.

Concerned friends have suggested that we tape one show and watch the other. It's not the same. And who owns a video machine anymore?

Despite these trying times, we know that things could be worse; we could be in the Danish group Michael Learns To Rock. A friend who asked to remain anonymous, Glenn, told us that they recently showed up to autograph CDs at a popular East Rand music store. It was here that they were mobbed by a screaming group of nothingness. Their fresh box of signing pens remained unopened alongside their shipment of new albums. The Danish rockers resorted to fingering quietly through the Pop'n'R'n'B Sales Bin and sharing an iced decaf fratte outside the store (No beverages allowed inside - store policy.) Before Michael Learns To Rock, Michael Must Learn To Wait Outside.


 

- Page 20 -

 
  What's Up With Genetic Mutation? (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/10/27
Bill Bryson, a smart dude who writes long books, said that we're made up of lifeless atoms that miraculously combine, then get tired of being in the form of us and cruise, leaving us dead. Or something like that.

It's quite obvious that life is meant to be complicated and baffling. Even the word 'baffling' is confusing. Say it fast twenty times and you'll know what we mean.

However, we've decided that it's not worth developing a headache over things that make little to no sense, things that are shrouded in bafflingness.

For instance, why do some people feel they need to breed wolves with dogs in order to create a more vicious watchdog? It sounds like fun, until the watch-wolf tears off your hand and buries it in the garden. Wouldn't time be better-spent crossbreeding hawks and car guards? Then they could watch parking lots from the air, and swoop down on thieves, whilst also sorting out any rat problems.

Having said this, we don't condone genetic mutation in anyway. We all remember the story of Noah's Ark, where Noah's spaceship found those creepy species and decided to experiment on them, and then there was trouble. On second thought, this might have been Alien 4, but you get the point.

More baffling stuff: Some girl in Europe or Turkey was said to have started crying stones. It sounds like too much salt in the diet mum. Maybe those blocks of salt served on a bed of salt aren't good for kids. Will the 'little boy who cried wolf' be replaced with the 'little girl who cried stones'? Quite possibly.

And finally, most baffling of all, how has Chuck Norris managed to stay on TV? 'Texas Ranger: Men in tights' has been flighting longer than the weather report.

Bafflement. Baffling. Life. But don't worry about it, just nod and smile. Pretend you understand what's going on around you. Everyone else does.


 

- Page 21 -

 
  Vote Crazy Monkey! (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/11/03
By the time you read this, America might have a new ruler. It'll either be George W, the guy who acted in Fahrenheit 9/11, or John Kerry, a baseball fan with wise eyes and a solid hairdo. He also scored a billionaire wife, so he must be charming too. We heard that Osama is probably voting for him.

What does it take to be a politician? What do they really do? We watched Parliament TV and it doesn't look that hard. It's like being at school from what we can tell. Everyone sits around looking bored while someone talks. Then, every now and again, some people clap and shout.

However, being president looks like a sweet job. It's like being a bride. Everyone flutters around telling you that you're fabulous. And you get to point at things you want. I want the yellow roses. I want everything else in white, although black must be represented. I want a spit braai dinner. The beauty of being president is that even if you suck, you're still cool. You still get a jet, free accommodation and all the Italian ties you can wear. (Unless you're a bad South American president - where you get beheaded and hung from a telephone pole. Not cool.)

Here's a list of people we think would make excellent presidents:

Jude Law. Even though we don't know his stance on tax and stuff, he's one dashing bloke who could light up a room with a smile and a quick, old-school tap dance.

Henry Cele. He played Shaka Zulu. He could handle himself in a fight and would intimidate all those short, paunchy politicians.

Lance Klusener. Another Zulu royal. When the world starts falling apart, Zulu could get stuck in and throw his big bat around.

Anyone from Crazy Monkey.

Morgan Freeman. He's already played the president and has the greatest speech making voice the world has ever known.

 

- Page 22 -

 
  Solid Gold! (The Star Tonight article)  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2004/11/10
Crazy Monkey got invited to the Loeries. We thought it was some hippy bird-watching society, but it turned out to be the advertising awards.

We made our pilgrimage to the spiritual home of the eighties, Sun City.

Who knows why they put the place so far away, it's in Swaziland or something. Didn't they check Fourways first? They couldn't have been happy when Montecasino got built, the spiritual home of people who like Italy, but can't afford to go because they've spent their holiday money at two am on a Wednesday morning.

All the stars were at the awards evening: Peter Ndoro from Mnet, and Raj One and also Raj Two. Advertisers started getting rowdy because dinner hadn't been served as advertised.

Then we heard our names announced. It took us a long time to get to the stage because we were sitting at the back, next to the emergency doors in case of fire. We can't remember what category we won, but we think it was the 'mad wicked cool' category, or the 'busting of mad sickness in public' category. It was great to be applauded in the superbowl; now we know what it felt like to be Sting and Mango Groove all those years ago. Peter Ndoro smiled at us. We waved back. It was pure Hollywood. We were like Charlize, shining and princess-like, except in a manly, hard-core way.

We're not saying that there are a lot of drugs at the awards, but someone later mistook our golden statue of a bird for a bottle opener, snapping its head off. We heard the same thing happened to Charlize. She also left her award at the after party and an admirer broke Oscar's head off trying to open his car door. There are apparently also drugs in Hollywood. How else can you explain that Thunderbirds movie?



 

- Page 23 -

 
  Chuck Norris fact for the New Year  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/01/01
Chuck Norris keeps his beard trim through meditation.
 

- Page 24 -

 
  Weekday Musings  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/02/09
It's Wednesday, here are a few thoughts:

Leonardo was good in The Aviator. And in the Ninja Turtles. We'd definitely consider him for our next movie. He'd have to audition though, not just anyone could become the fifth Monkey.

They make veggie burgers taste like meat, why not meat burgers that taste like veggies? If anyone knows how to get a patent, then drop me a line.

I should have shaved yesterday. Sorry to all those who were inconvenienced.

Do you know where you parked your car?

It's still Wednesday.


 

- Page 25 -

 
  Webbing - as well.  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/02/15
There's stuff to look at here:

This article is written in a combination of Kombuisikaans and Soutlish:
http://www.watkykjy.co.za/snotstories_view.asp?theID=27

This is really quick and fun. Only five things to remember:
http://www.jhblive.co.za/kulcha/default.html

There's an interview on 20Something, 6th March, ETV.

I'm putting this in the 'production diary' section as well. That's how out of control I am.
 

- Page 26 -

 
  CGI  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/02/22
Movies can be motivating and inspiring. Like after seeing The Matrix, I was sure that I could fly.
I found out the hard way that this was untrue.
Movies can be deceptive and misleading...

But fun as well, like Ray. I'm pretty sure that I can also play the piano with sunglasses on. I'll tell you how it goes.
 

- Page 27 -

 
  Gambling  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/02/25
If you saw me today, that means you were at Montecasino. I was the one sitting next to Colin Moss in a gold chair.

I also ate chocolate Swiss cakes and fired an air gun at a tree.

Life can be rad if you allow it to be.
 

- Page 28 -

 
  Karoo  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/04/04
Hey, if anyone saw "Straight Outta Benoni" posters at the KKNK, then they just missed us. That was us disappearing around the corner with a big bag of extra-fat biltong.

Then everyone in Oudtshoorn woke up and had a drink in the streets.

Then we saw stageplays and music. And then there was Klippies in die Bos, and Dozi was in a really good mood. You had to be there.


 

- Page 29 -

 
  Birds  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/04/07
Has anyone ever kissed a hadeda? Not necessarily with tongue, just a regular kiss.

Was its beak really hard? Did you feel weird after doing it?

Please don't reply, I'm just thinking out loud.

Peace on earth.
 

- Page 30 -

 
  Door to Door  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/04/19
Excuse me,

Today we got a note on our door saying, "Would you like to Let your house?"

Well, would we like to let our house do what?

Hey dude? Let our house do what? Please be specific next time.

There ends the free marketing lesson.
 

- Page 31 -

 
  Atten-hut!  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/04/28
American Armed Forces In Movies Update:

It seems that the Navy SEALS are now officially considered the hardest blokes around. Nowadays, any 'good-guy-who-shouldn't-be-messed-with-cos-he's-hard' is a SEAL. As seen in Vin Diesel's 'The Pacifier' and 'XXX2'.

Before this trend, it was the Marines who were sorting out the world's problems. And before that, it was anyone who'd made it back from Vietnam.

If you ever had to watch a black & white movie, you'd probably discover that World War 2 vets were the hard-men back then.

And during the silent era of film, it was probably guys who'd just come back from the Crimean War, or the Viking Wars... Guys who knew their way around a cannon.

Before that, there were no films, so it doesn't matter.

So well done Navy SEALS.

Although I will point out that it's harder to become a member of Crazy Monkey than a SEAL. Our entrance procedures involve a lot more paperwork, and we can stay up much later than they could handle.

Dismissed!
 

- Page 32 -

 
  Go Speedracer  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/05/20
Hi,

I was recently taking a really sharp corner in my car. I was moving really fast, and the corner just kept going, almost full circle. And at the peak of the corner I started worrying if the pressure caused by my speed and the gravity and science working on the driver's window, would cause the window to explode outwards.

Then I wondered, if I was in a rocket car, would my head be in danger of exploding as well, because the window would definitely be destroyed at that speed.

But I checked on the Internet, and driver's window and head explosions almost never happen in the southern hemisphere. Only in the north.

It has something to do with the same reason that water swirls the opposite way down the sink in the northern hemisphere.

So that's one thing less to worry about on the roads.

Get out and show off, it's the weekend.
 

- Page 33 -

 
  Cos I'm too darn technical  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/05/25
Many people consider blogging to be the latest form of Rock n Roll. But remember that in the seventies, Aerosmith's Steve Tyler fell into the orchestra pit after thinking he'd played an entire concert in Germany, but had only finished the opening song. I'm afraid, my friends, that's more rock than deciding on whether to rock WordPress or Movable Type blogging tools.

One thing I do have in common with Aerosmith is the seventies. My notforsharingware is oldskool and that's a fact. I can't advise you on Perl, PHP, or plugins - in fact the only "plugin" I have is for my electric toothbrush and I have to jiggle the socket to get a proper connection.

When my palm pilot memory is full, it just means that I've got nowhere else on my hand to write. I then transfer the information via pen to a piece of paper, or to a Word document... But my laptop only has enough battery power to boot up, then it switches off, then I have to recharge it, so it can boot up and then switch off again. And the "plugin" only seems to work for my toothbrush, not the laptop connection.

So I'm writing this on my cellphone and texting it to a friend who has MMS, so that he can mail it to the website. My new phone is a downgrade so I won't be able to retrieve the text as it doesn't have a sent items folder, or even access to a calendar. However, when I put it on silent mode, it does display that classic icon of a little man wearing earmuffs.

I'm now off to wash my hands with dishwashing liquid to avoid viruses and to 'format the palm pilot memory', making it ready for another work session.

Some might consider this to be hell, but I hear that hell's a hot spot, so it's not like I could use their facilities.

Now has anyone seen my pen?



 

- Page 34 -

 
  If I Can Just Make It To The...  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/06/25
I recently got a mail from someone named Habrey asking if I was still alive, because I hadn’t posted in sooo long. Well, the truth is that I was barely alive.

I acquired a wonderful bronchitis bug that was no doubt mutated on its journey from China, or India, or Port Elizabeth, or wherever flu mutation takes place. It was quite an impressive thing, as horrible things go.

It started with a dry cough that felt like a baby cactus growing in my lungs, then it skipped the throat and went straight to the sinuses, making sinus-ey vibes and contributing to the feeling that everything was melting inside my body. Which brought on insomnia and the final weapon in the bug arsenal… an outrageous headache that was impervious to Myprodol and felt like drawing pins in the back of the eyeball. Sunshine was avoided for days.

Computer game programmers couldn’t have thought up such a wonderful enemy.

Then, from the depths of flu-dom, I heard a ‘bing’ on my computer. It was Habrey's e-mail asking whether I was alive. Like the ray of light that found that dude in Touching The Void, I crawled over to the computer and rejoined the living.

Oh and while this was happening I was also working on the film, and getting my car serviced. Two grand to replace wiper blades and get the fan working again. This sounds steep, but that’s what it takes to keep a stunt car ready for stunt work at any time.

Other equally important things that have happened:

Director Danny Boyle apologised for his movie The Beach. He said it wasn’t as good as it should’ve been. This dawned on him five years after the movie had been released. However, I think 28 Days Later is a step in the right direction Danny. Definitely a better zombie movie than Resident Evil: Apocalypse. The first zombie movie ever directed by a real zombie – who drank a lot of coffee.

We also got a new deputy president. I call her Pumi for short.

Stay well.

 

- Page 35 -

 
  Nature's Highway  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/06/29
Wow, two postings within days of each other. Almost like a real blog.

I was sitting in traffic this morning. It's my quiet time, a period of reflection. Until someone pulls up behind me doing 190 km/h.

This morning I noticed how the highway can often mimic nature. A gold Jetta of some kind was weaving and swerving through the slow moving lanes. The untamed beast at the wheel flashed his headlights and pumped his fists in the air. He sped down the emegency lanes, then cut back in. Only to be trapped by a rusty truck. The Jetta was furious. I passed him without having to weave at all.

Jetta made another stab for glory, using all lanes, trying to find the gap. Then a taxi trapped him, and cars swept by him in the fast lane. He made another go at the fast lane, but another taxi pulled in front of him as he did.

A few kilometres on I spotted the Jetta, still in the fast lane, but driving at a reasonable speed, behind everyone else. He looked a bit sad.

The lesson was clear: Jetta was like a bucking bronco, wild and untamed. But his surroundings soon tamed him, and he soon learned how to be a normal human being. There is no doubt that Jetta will have to repeat this lesson many times in the future. But everything in nature takes time.
 

- Page 36 -

 
  Show Me Your Motion  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/07/01
So, ever since I watched Touching The Void - about three weeks ago - I've had Boney M stuck in my head. Every morning I wake up, it's there.

Here are the lyrics:

Brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la
There’s a brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la la
Brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la
She looks like a sugar in a plum
Plum plum

Show me your motion
Tra la la la la
Come on show me your motion
Tra la la la la la
Show me your motion
Tra la la la la
She looks like a sugar in a plum
Plum plum

Now maybe you'll also have it stuck in your head and I won't have to suffer alone.

Thanks, I feel a bit better.
 

- Page 37 -

 
  Next time, turn it off at the wall  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/07/08

At this moment, in some office boardroom somewhere, there's a neglected coffee urn filament burning itself out.

If anyone's aware of this kind of negligence, then please report it to our website, or preferably, turn it off yourself.

 

- Page 38 -

 
  Don't Click This... There's Nothing To See Here...  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/07/11



I told you.



 

- Page 39 -

 
  False Advertising  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/07/20

You've seen that advert for Jaguar cars, where those sort-of-well-to-do people suddenly see a jaguar running through their garden, then question whether they should get a Jag car.

In my opinion, this advertising is nothing short of reckless.

I was on a weekend getaway near Hartebeespoort and saw the very same wild cat run past my braai area. I put my hand out to stroke it and said, 'It's time I got that jag', then I woke up in hospital. They're small cats compared to lions, but they're fierce. Shame on you Jag cars for getting me bloody.

An XK convertible might stop me from finding a lawyer in the Yellow Pages. Okay fine, an X-type, but you're close to pushing your luck.




 

- Page 40 -

 
  Reams of correspondence  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/07/27
Now that we've made a movie, I've decided that I might make a book next.

It's going to be a collection of all my favourite e-mails I've shared with my friends. Like the one below.

I have millions of them, and could probably fill three volumes worth. See below for just one of the fascinating examples that give you a glimpse into the life of Crazy Monkey. Enjoy:



Re: Where are my keys dude?
From: Brendan Jack
To: Gavin Williams

------------------------------------------------

Hey Gav,

Did I leave my house keys at your place? I'm locked out, it's late, and I'm sending this from the Internet Cafe down the road.

Please revert soonest. I'm tired.

Regards,
Brendan.


 

- Page 41 -

 
  Tom versus Jean Claude  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/08/15


I think that Tom Berenger, despite never having served in a real army or police force, could handle himself in a combat or hostage-type situation. I can sense it from the way he plays his roles.

I'm not sure the same can be said about Van Damme. He seems to be more into shopping and hanging out in bars nowadays. He'd still be capable of giving you a hell of a slap, but I don't think he has the chops to disarm a real situation.


 

- Page 42 -

 
  And the Tigon 'Businessman of the Year 2005' goes to...  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/08/15

Apparently the Tigon business scandal involved way more fraud than those Americans at Enron could pull off.

I'm all for South Africans doing their best on a global stage - so... Good attempt, world class effort, but try and keep it legal next time white collar blokes. So close.
 

- Page 43 -

 
  Duck, it's Chuck!  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/08/18


There's a rumour going around that Chuck Norris is actually an android created by the Russians during the Cold War - to infiltrate the US entertainment industry and make it look bad... rotting it from the inside.

I know about this rumour, because I started it. But the fact of the matter is that Chuck is not an android. Although there may be some sort of animal gene somewhere. How else do you explain the texture of that sandy-blond beard?

And he certainly didn't do anything wrong to the US film industry... many of us have spent countless hours enjoying his classic films like Missing In Action, Invasion USA, and Lone Wolf Mcquade - the feature where he first donned his crazy cool facial hair.

Chuck started martial arts training centres called Chun Kuk Do - which wouldn't be the best name for the South African franchise.


 

- Page 44 -

 
  Techsmart Interview  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/08/30


Techsmart Interview





 

- Page 45 -

 
  Hey Pete, I know you're reading this  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/08/31


My man in Singapore says that all is cool and humid over there, and that they definitely don't have the pirated DVD of our movie.

Piracy is something the Singaporeans dissuade through putting you to death against your will. They also do this with people who litter. Unless I'm thinking of somewhere else completely... like Houston.

On a different note, why does all strumming on acoustic guitars sound like the beginning of a Cat Stevens song?


 

- Page 46 -

 
  Lakeside, Eastside  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/09/08


If you've been out East, on the N12, you will know of a mall called the Lakeside Mall. It's built to look like a Mississippi riverboat and stands proudly alongside a lake...

(Proudly like Proud Mary, Creedence's riverboat queen)

Ahem, anyway, I'm thinking I might start a petition to ask if the mall would consider unhitching itself from the shore, and sailing off to smaller towns in SA - so that they too can enjoy endless shopping and stunning sales.

There are many towns in this country who don't know what it's like to enjoy free covered parking , then be able to retire to the luxury of an air-conditioned food court... And this is a shame.

We probably need to do something about it.

Check out http://www.lakesidemall.co.za/ - and wish them a bon voyage.


 

- Page 47 -

 
  Reams of correspondence 2  
Posted by  
2005/09/20


Here's another fascintating addition to my collection of favourite personal e-mails - that I will be publishing in a book soon.

Enjoy:


Re: Re: Where are my keys dude?
From: Gavin Williams
To: Brendan Jack

------------------------------------------------

Hey B da Club,

I don't have your keys man. Sorry it took a month to get back to you, but I've been on my travels.

Hope you got inside your house eventually and aren't still at the Internet Cafe... waiting. Ha Ha. Jokes. You aren't still waiting there are you? Please tell me aren't...

Warmest,
Gav.

-----------------------------------------------


Re: Where are my keys dude?
From: Brendan Jack
To: Gavin Williams

------------------------------------------------

Hey Gav,

Did I leave my house keys at your place? I'm locked out, it's late, and I'm sending this from the Internet Cafe down the road.

Please revert soonest. I'm tired.

Regards,
Brendan.



 

- Page 48 -

 
  Musical Chairs  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/09/23


When my toilet seat accidentally falls shut, it sounds like the beginning drumming from Run-DMC's 'Miss Elaine'. And when I open my squeaky security gate, it sounds like 'Le Moulin' - track nine on the Amelie soundtrack.

I come from a very musical household.

Friday makes me think of the Gary Moore song, 'Friday On My Mind'.

It's a warm day. Enjoy it.


 

- Page 49 -

 
  Idols... again  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/10/05


I've stolen the below blurb from the News section. Forgive me by voting for me.


News on the Gareth Cliff Celebrity Idols competition. I'm supposed to be doing my Bee Gees this Friday. I had a cold, but you should vote for me anyway:

http://www.idols.mnet.co.za/Article/DisplayArticle.asp?Id=197



 

- Page 50 -

 
  Celebrity Idol recount?  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/10/11

So I didn't get through to the Celeb Idols finals on Gareth Cliff's show... I could've won a phone. The catch-22 is that if I had the phone in the first place, I could've voted for myself.

I can't believe I didn't get through to the final... I even practiced, sort of.

If there is anyone in the broadcasting world with some sense and sway, then I suggest you rectify this immediately. I demand a recount... unless it's a logistical hassle.


 

- Page 51 -

 
  The Hellphones - this Sunday - the 16th Oct  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/10/13


So this is the nicest text I've gotten from the frontman of a Benoni-based rock band in a long time.

I thought I'd share Glenn's message:

Oh my god! You can't miss the Gauteng famous HELLPHONES compete at Emperors this Sunday in the National Battle of the Bands Final!!
This is a chance for me to quit my day job and look and live like Keith Richards! Does that make me wrong?

R60 @ Computicket, or R75 at the doors. Starts at 2PM this Sunday.

Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be... the way things are going, they're going to crucify me. (I added the last line to show I knew the song he was quoting.)

Let's not let the HELLPHONES get crucified. Support them - they're supporting rock 'n roll so you don't have to.


 

- Page 52 -

 
  Yes, Vote for Crazy Monkey!  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/10/14


Come on, do as the news section suggests:

We need everyone to vote - please go to IMDB:

VOTE CRAZY MONKEY!

Only positive people need apply, there's enough negativity in the world.

Put your monkey where your mouth is and vote!
It's your right as an extreme, yet responsible citizen!




 

- Page 53 -

 
  Cats/Theft  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/10/26



The thing I like most about very old cats is that they can't jump onto the table anymore - and dief your chicken sosatie when you're not looking.

I'm more chilled with old cats around.



 

- Page 54 -

 
  Throwing down the scientific gauntlet  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/10/28


I got the following article from Trevor, cos he's so damn technical like that:

-----------------------------------------

The coolest thing in the Universe is now a cloud of sodium atoms in a laboratory in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Physicists from the MIT-Harvard Centre for Ultra-Cold atoms have chilled 2500 sodium atoms to within half a billionth of a degree of absolute zero, the temperature at which atomic oscillation slows to a standstill.

"Nothing in the Universe that we know of is naturally this cold" says Aaron Leanhardt, who led the research. Even deep space is six billion times hotter.

"The old record for 'lowest manmade temperature' was published in the journal Nature, so hopefully publishing our result in Science will be considered good enough for acceptance as a Guinness world record" he says.

Spreading out

To cool the atoms, the team trapped them by balancing gravitational and magnetic fields then allowed the gas to expand. In a gas, temperature is a measure of the average speed of the atoms. When the gas expands the atoms spread out and slow down - lowering the temperature.

In this experiment, the atoms had an average speed of only one millimetre per second by the time the temperature had fallen to 450 picokelvin.

Atomic clocks measure time against the frequency of nuclear transitions inside atoms. When atoms are hot, their motion causes the frequency to fluctuate. Colder atoms could therefore lead to more accurate time-keepers.

Also, when atoms are this cold they all settle into the same quantum state - forming a peculiar type of matter known as a Bose Einstein Condensate. These are used to study quantum effects.

The team's next set of experiments, however, will look at what happens when the ultra-cold atoms crash into a wall kept a room temperature. Will they stick, or bounce?

-----------------------------------------

Sooo, we tried making something as cold, or colder... In our old freezer that really overfreezes everything we put in it, because the thermo snapped off - from the cold.

Even though we don't have a super-electronic thermometer to confirm our results, we're pretty sure we've got the coldest packet of mixed vegetables in the history of science. Which we're pretty sure has to be colder than those lame sodium atoms.

We challenge MIT-Harvard to prove us wrong.

(P.S. Note to those scientists: Super-frozen mixed vegetables bounce off a wall when thrown, they don't stick. Now you know, so save yourself the money finding out.)



 

- Page 55 -

 
  Sarcastic Ranger  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/11/02



You no doubt watched 'Walker, Texas Ranger' last Sunday.

Then you also noticed how Chuck Norris went to an art gallery opening and made fun of the 'art'. He acted like he didn't 'get it', but also like he 'didn't want to get it'. The man is a master of subtlety.

He even made fun of a pseudo-pretentious art guy. I've never seen Walker be sarcastic to a guy who posed no threat to him. I think his character is really developing.

---------------------------------------------------


In the eyes of a ranger,
The unsuspected stranger
Had better know the truth of wrong from right,
Cuz the eyes of a ranger are upon you,
Any wrong you do he's gonna see,
When youre in Texas look behind you,
Cuz that's where the rangers are gonna be



 

- Page 56 -

 
  Some people are checking up on this  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/11/21



So it seems some people have been checking up on this blog, and then mailing me about it. You know who you are.

With the movie out in cinemas, many think it's time for feet up and a chill. Well it's not like that. There is much to be done around here.

Things like: Work on the DVD (out for Easter - with a bunch of cool extra features), working on new projects, charity work, technical work that - if I wrote it down - some brains would be in danger of exploding, and more.

If you missed me at BodySpectra in CT this weekend, then maybe our paths will cross at the Wildcoast, or possibly in Pretoria, Ballito, or Oudtshoorn - in the next week or so. If you see me in all four places and come and say hi, then I will make a note and you will win a prize.

Also, I hope to visit the cinemas again. Maybe even see our movie again. We were so young and free back then. Oh what salad days...




 

- Page 57 -

 
  Tranqs  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/12/05
I must commend the organizers of what seems to have been the "National Drive on Tranquilizers Day" (Last week Wednesday). It was infuriating and dangerous out on the roads, but I only got stuck behind two accidents. Let's hope this wonderful initiative grows from strength to strength.
 

- Page 58 -

 
  Outdshoorn  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/12/05


I went crocodile cage diving at the Cango Wildlife Ranch in Outdshoorn this weekend. No one won the "meet me at all the following places this week: the Wildcoast/Chatsworth, Pretoria, Ballito/Umhlanga, and Oudtshoorn" competition. Don't worry, the prize was only a badge.

Diving with crocodiles is cool, because they're apparently one of only two creatures who will actively hunt humans - the other being the Komodo Dragon.

What was also cool to see was that some of the big cats at the ranch actually crouch and wait when kids are coming over to their cage, because kids are quote unquote "prey size". Fantastic.


 

- Page 59 -

 
  Forewarned = Forearmed  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/12/12



So...

According to this horoscope person on TV, Neptune bodes ill for 2006. That's right, according to said astrologer, Neptune is going to cause everything to suck next year. I really hope astrology is wrong, and that Neptune would just grow up for once.

I'm sorry to mention this bad news guys, but I thought I'd better do it anyway.

Enjoy the rest of the year, these are possibly the only fun days we have left. According to astrology.

Peace in the world.




 

- Page 60 -

 
  Careful Paul, careful  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/12/14



I read this quote from Paul Haggis, the writer/director of 'Crash', writer of 'Million Dollar baby' – and also - more importantly - creator of 'Walker, Texas Ranger'.


"I agreed to write the (Walker) pilot because I thought it would just go away, but it became this huge hit and I remember waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning in a cold sweat, dripping wet. I mean, I was drenched. I just pictured my tombstone and it said: 'Paul Haggis: Creator of Walker Texas Ranger.' So the impetus for making these movies is really just to wipe that image from my mind." (on his decision to move from television to films like Crash)


What does this Paul guy mean?
Is he dissing Walker?

He sounds like a smart man, so he’s obviously not dissing Chuck. Otherwise there’s an ass he’s about to have handed back to him.




 

- Page 61 -

 
  London reminder  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2005/12/29



Remember to tell all your friends in Wimbledon, etc. that the Monkey movie is coming to London town in March. Watch the website for details...

I'll drop you some new info in the New Year(TM), and report back to you on how my moustache is growing... I got it for Christmas.


Peace in 2006? Maybe!



 

- Page 62 -

 
  2007 is going to rule, but for now, focus on 2006  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2006/01/16




A few things I learnt over the ‘holidays’:

No matter how you position your towel, it’s hard to chill on a beach when there's a sandstorm.

Birds were put on earth to test late sleepers and caffeine freaks.

A moustache is more high maintenance than you would think.

Holidays were just designed to snare people into going back to work so they can earn money to pay off their holiday spending credit cards and then start saving for the next holiday, which they’ll overspend on as well – keeping the cycle spinning.
This scheme was invented by the Illuminati (TM), but don’t tell them I told you. They’ll cancel my membership.

And the final thing I learnt:

A film about Footskating would kick ass, and make you forget all about debt and credit cards. Rumour has it that this movie is being written (in a parallel universe) at this very moment . More details to follow. Rad.




 

- Page 63 -

 
  Sin Vity vs. Vanity Fair - the debate continues...  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2006/02/02


I recently watched 'Sin City', then followed this with 'Vanity Fair' -

You too can attempt this same mental challenge, but I must warn you, the perspective change could mess you up for days.

While watching Vanity Fair, I kept waiting for something brutal and trippy to happen in turn-of-the-century London. Badass characters never showed up to exact revenge – although Gabriel Byrne does a pretty good villainous type. However, he doesn’t physically smash or torture anyone.

Try it for yourself. Or not.

Next week: 'Tron' vs. 'Kramer vs. Kramer'.


 

- Page 64 -

 
  It seems that lots of good things come from Texas  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2006/02/15



That Dr. Phil was really good the other night. Really shrewd.

He talked to some families about the pain and problems they had. Then he gave some advice that was more aimed at making the ladies in the audience laugh.
Then to show the sad families how sad they really were, he showed a video of his totally happy family. They were all great and dynamic and just plain old thinking outside the box.

They even showed Dr. Phil dressed as a clown. He pretended to put his head in his hands in embarrassment, but he couldn't hide the 'yeah, I'm the funniest dad clown at a kid's party ever. Ever!' look in his eye.

A network TV show really helps improve your family life. I think that was the message.




 

- Page 65 -

 
  The upside of pollution  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2006/03/06



There are a lot of complaints about the ozone layer and how we're not being responsible with the planet, etc. But no one ever brings up the positive points.
For instance, with a more powerful sun shining down, you can sleep late and still tan. I never hear complaints about this bonus feature.

And speaking of bonus features, you should check out the double-disk Straight Outta Benoni DVD coming out for Easter.
It's got 2-hours of never-seen-before extra features.

Not everything’s that bad in the world.



 

- Page 66 -

 
  Brett / Cape Town Memorial  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2006/04/26



Hi All,

By now you all know. I have nothing much left to say, except that I miss the smallest Monkey with the biggest smile. Even though it doesn't really feel like he's gone.

It just feels like he's gone away for a while. On holiday. Somewhere warm. So I'll speak to him when he gets back.

Info for Brett's Memorial Service in CT:

Tuesday the 25th of April. 6pm.

THE ALBOW CENTRE (IN THE JEWISH MUSEUM)
88 HATFIELD STREET
CAPE TOWN


Take care of yourselves. We will chat soon.



 

- Page 67 -

 
  Footskoolin'  
Posted by Brendan Jack 
2006/06/04


Long time no speak.

Only because some of us have been waking up at 04:30 am for many days in a row – to bring the world the greatest footskating movie ever made.

Things are going to plan, and despite the tiny crew we are using, things are getting done. We’ve shot in places like Roodepoort and Observatory – and even have frost bite to prove it. That’s right, the movie world is totally glamorous.

We’re shooting the end scenes at Brightwater Commons, towards the end of July – so if you see helicopters over Randburg at this time, it’s us. Or just another bank robbery in progress. Either way, the adrenalin will be flowing.

For more info, keep an eye on www.footskating.com

Stay cool. Stay warm.


 

- Page 68 -

 
 

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